My First Crush

Today my friend was talking about his crush which he currently has, after he left a thought cross me, who was my first crush.

So I had to run a query in my database. It went back to my schools days when I was eleven years old.

I used to go to tuition during that time at evenings. She joined after a month I joined in tuition. She had a very pretty face, pleasant eyes and a great smile.

She used to stay three blocks away from my home and I never know about it, I just wondered am I so poor in my general knowledge about my locality, seriously made a mental note of it that I should improve myself.

She was the first girl that made me look at her for long, I wised I could just look into her eyes; they were so expressive and lively. With a twinkle smile and a dimple she looked awesome and on top of it, she was just coming into shapes.

I never went to her and asked her, I just wanted the feeling to be with me, just wanted it to be a sweet memory as it’s my first crush, which I always wanted to be sweet and good in my memory. Just did not want to end in a sad note with a break up.

Whenever I think back about my first crush, I can still recollect a girl with a lively eyes n a sweet smile who has charm to mesmerize you and make you happy all the way.

Emptiness

There are times when you do everything but nothing works out, you work day and night, for the dream one has and sacrifice things to make things happen. As years go on and failures come one after the other and you just don't know what on earth is going wrong with you that after putting so much hard work, your life is where it was few years ago.

When you start loosing hope and you look back at your life from past few years you will realize that you did not spend much time with your parents/ brothers/ sisters, things haunt you that you did not spend the small moments of happiness with them in day to day life. You will find yourself in a cross road, where you find your failures around you, relations around you but find oneself miles apart from them.

One will find the emptiness in him haunting, his frustrations, and failures. There is a feeling that comes in that maybe you don't have in you to make it big; maybe you have skills in you but not enough to make into that extra league. At the same time, you may feel that maybe it's the last hurdle and you just need to hang in there and things will start falling in right place after these.

That's the time one feels that they need someone who just listen to them, be an inspiration to them, its just a desperation to fill there emptiness.

What is it that someone should do to over come this emptiness? Getting into a relationship? Or just hang in there so that the things pass on and wait for the things to fall in right place? People say life teaches, what does life teach someone in such a situation where you just lack the answers and don't know what to do. Does one need to find solace in this emptiness? How to come out of this paradox of life at these moments of life?

Weird

Few days ago I was down with mild cold; I did not bother much about it and came to office the next day. As the day progressed, the cold moved from mild stage to worst stage and my body temperature rose. We usually have a doctor in office, so I paid him a visit (it has been really long since I last visited a doctor). Initially, he checked regular stuff but later asked some very strange things. He asked me to close my eyes (I just wondered what’s he doing!), kept a finger on my right eye, applied some pressure on it and asked if it was paining? I said no. Then he put a finger on my lower backbone and asked does it pain in this area; I said no. He asked me a couple of more questions and told that these were the symptoms of Dengue fever and I didn’t have it. He gave me some medicines and I came back to my desk.

I took the medicines and got back to work. I felt some strain in my eyes. I just relaxed and put my fingers on my eyes. It pained! After sometime I felt I had lower back pain! Believe me till I went home I felt like I had all the symptoms of Dengue fever which the doctor had told me about. I am not sure if I really had these problems or was it just psychological, but one thing is eating me inside ‘Do I have Dengue fever?’ I was just worried because I had an important week ahead and just cannot avoid it.

Finally it got cleared after a day and a half. My fever vanished though I am still left with bad cold. One thing is sure, during important events mind does play mischief with us and it has its own fun.

Paradox

I happened to came across a friend after a very long time and we just started talking and recollected the good old days and the fun we had. As we moved on, I was thinking about the days our group spent together for our goals, working hard, having fun, I just miss those days. Some made it from the group and I just felt strange that what we want we do not get; what we get we cannot possess; what we possess we cannot enjoy; what we enjoy does not last long and even when we think it last long, it proves to be boring. Maybe you all are wondering that I just started a Vedantic view of life…believe me friends I am not that frustrated with life nor do I have that pretty bad experience that I start talking about Vedanta.

Being crazy I just thought will spend time in understanding this paradox, ok I wont bore you all with what all I did but the conclusion I came to was that it's the thought flow that rise in mind which leads to this paradox. The chains of thoughts that rise one after the other make one feel happy (ok I just don't want to put all the emotions one can feel here). The thought flows that rise in once mind is the reason for once emotions, so if one can control that flow… do I need to say it? Ok some might be thinking that if I know about it, why I did not control the thought flow? (Form where I have started my writing and where I ended) as said before I am crazy. That's an easy way to say it, let me think about it…

After thinking for a long time I understood that I have no answer for that, all I can came across is that, I will take help of my friend who happened to be therapist, will update your all if he was of any help.

Something Strange

In most of the cases when you listened any successful person talking about how he made it big mostly in the Indian context, they talk about how difficult things were and the hardships they had to endure. I just wonder if it is the success they are complaining about, or is it the fact that they now have an audience who is willing to listen to them. Are they talking about the success or they are complaining as they find people now to listen to them.

Take for example, the story of Infosys; they say when they started, it took them 2 years to obtain a computer, 2 or 3 years to get a telephone connection, it took 10 days for release of foreign currency from RBI… and so on… is it the success they are talking about or are they listing down their cribs!

What is more important and useful to me would be, how they managed without a computer and a telephone for 2 years, how they overcame all the obstacles… they never talk about that. I think they just want to vent out their frustrations as they find people to listen to them.

Not every one would agree with me, maybe I sound a little weird , but then….that’s the way I am !!! The other day , one of the big shots in my Unit was talking about how he started his professional life in the organization. He apparently came to the Bangalore office late in the night and to his dismay, found a very small office and no accommodation facilities. He then had to sleep on a table in the only conference room present in that little office. And hence began his long and arduous journey to the heights that he has achieved now. The Unit head of the very same little organization, which is a name to reckon with in the IT circle of the world.

I just don’t find the point in it, is he dumb or what, why did he go to the office late in the night to report? Ok, let’s say he does not know anyone in Bangalore, fine, he should have gone there and then find out from the security and rent a room in a hotel. Why should he sleep on a table, the only thing that comes to my mind is, maybe he is too stingy to spend his money and thought he can save some money by sleeping in office table.

I just wonder that once we Indians make it big, we just discuss our frustrations, as we find a platform where we find people who are there to listen to us; something we missed during the years of struggle and hardship.

I think they just miss one point…

No one dies a virgin; Life fucks every one!!

The Breakup

When a relationship ends one of them will be emotional and say that the other is making a big mistake by ending the relationship and say something of this as last thing, ‘You’ll never find anybody like me again.’ And I was thinking: why on earth should I hope too. Isn’t that why we break up with people? If I don’t want you, why would I want somebody just like you? Does anybody end a bad relationship and say, “ By the way, do you have a twin?”

First of all love makes you blind and on top of it emotions make you talk foolish.

Beard

Today morning while I was shaving a thought came across; it’s been more then 10 years that I started shaving. Why on earth it grows so fast, thick and dense? If I miss shaving for a few days I cannot shave it with my blade and need to go to a salon.

Something struck to me then, the growth rate at which my beard has, if it was there for my career or for my finance where will I be today? In 10 long years what position I would have been with that growth rate?

Does anyone know how to measure the growth rate of a beard? Why I am asking is that I have a gut feeling that I would have been the richest man in this world by now, with that growth rate.

Grammar and I

It was quite sometime that I wanted to write, it’s just that I wanted to put my thoughts in words. Whenever I share it with my friends, the reply I always get is that points are good but watch out for the grammar. I had a big problem in coming up with the title for this. It should be Grammar and Me or Me and Grammar or Grammar and I for that matter?

So the task at hand was to improve my grammar, so went and bought a grammar book. Started reading it and took a verb ‘Must’, he started by saying that it’s a Modal Auxiliary Verb I had to first find out what this Auxiliary Verb was? Then Third Person Singular Usage was discussed. Then came usage in questions and negatives, this was easy, now came using the infinitives and in that: progressive, perfect and passive infinitives. All this was well above my head, but I was able to manage it. The final blow came when I read that “Must has no Infinitive or Participles or Past Tense. I was totally confused and whatever I read just forgot.

Just wonder where in the brain did it go and get stored. When I looked at the table of contents there were other verbs, pronouns, adjectives what not, one thing I understood is Grammar and me are like oil and water we just don’t go together.

I just started wondering, if people ask me, what should I answer. So the first thing that struck me was, Rules are meant to be broken, but that did not convince me, finally I rationalized it by saying to myself that god has not given me a face like Steve Martin in the movie Roxanne which can make people laugh looking at me, let them have a laugh reading my article………